Just Chasing Coordinates

a p r i l

ok claps soooo—
this might be a bit of a long post (idgaf) so just sit tight and bare with me. i know i speak about mental health and depression often but i feel like this needs to be said.

YES, i know everyone has bad days.
YES, i know it looks like i “feed into my own sadness”.
YES, i understand you think i’m just wallowing in self pity.
YES, i get that you are annoyed with my “mopey” ass.

BUT you don’t understand how one LITTLE MICROSCOPIC PROBLEM can send me into full suicidal mode. you don’t understand that i ANNOY MYSELF ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US. DO YOU THINK I LIKE FEELING THIS WAY? um… NO. i am SICK of hearing oh “others have it way worse”… you don’t think i know that? i HATE hearing that with a passion. like, cool, let’s just make me feel WORSE about already feeling bad. yeah, that makes perfect sense.

i know you probably think i’m just this constantly pissy and depressed girl with a binge-drinking problem but i swear i’m more than that. i’ve been through things that i don’t talk about and i’m also overcoming things that you may not see. everyday is a battle and some days are harder than others. i get up, i force a smile and i try my best to go through each day without breaking down. it’s hard.

depression doesn’t give a fuck about who you are, what you drive, what you look like or how old you are. it doesn’t give a fuck how good of a life you’ve had growing up. it doesn’t give a fuck how much money you have or the clothes you wear.

depression doesn’t discriminate.

so while you’re over there probably rolling your eyes like “oh boy, she’s at it again”, i’m over here on the edge of my seat, literally feeling like i’m walking on the ledge. you don’t know what it’s like inside my head, HELL, you don’t even know what it’s like in my life. EVERYONE, and i mean EVERYONE, has their own hidden skeletons. everyone is facing their own battles and fighting their own demons. you don’t know what someone is going through behind closed doors so stop being so quick to judge.

so next time i’m sad, don’t sit there and tell me “get over it”, “go clean”, or “go walk your dog”… just tell me you love me and that you are here for me. how hard is it to be fully compassionate?

you👏🏼can’t👏🏼help👏🏼how👏🏼someone👏🏼feels👏🏼.

i guarantee the suicide rates would lower if we could spread more love instead of promoting hatred, orrrr maybe that’s just me. i don’t know. i could go on for hours.

m a r c h

“the most dangerous
woman of all
is the one who refuses
to rely on your sword
to save her
because she carries
her own”
~ r.h. sin

I’m exhausted.

I’m exhausted from being strong all the time, from acting like I have it all together, and from being everything for everyone.

I never necessarily set out to be this kind of person, yet it seems through the bitter choices and the sweet idealizations of not wanting to let anyone down, I found myself lost, broken, tired and wondering if someday someone would be there for me in all the ways that I have been there for them.

Perhaps people see me as self-sufficient and “together” — but inside I would never label myself with those characteristics because while they see me as steady — inside I am shaking.

Every morning, despite my exhaustion, I still get up and I try. I try to be that woman who everyone imagines me to be.

Even when my eyes become weary from tears of feeling things too deeply, I inhale and tell myself that it will all be okay.

I’m steadily learning, even through the trials and tribulations, we women — are goddesses. We are queens. We do so much for others and we are constantly fighting battles. We never ask for help, for guidance, for leadership, for someone to just fall against at the end of the day.

We are warriors.

But we are tired.

The lesson we all can take from this is that there is noshame in needing someone. There is no fault in admitting that you need help. There is nothing wrongwith wanting to rely on someone. You are not weak by thinking that two strong hearts are better than one.

I’m so tired.

I want a strong arm around my shoulders, someone who can hold me down, no matter the storm I endured that day.

I’m done with pretending.

I’m done holding myself up.

I’m done letting my pride shade me from potential happiness.

I’m certainly done with being strong when the reality is, more often than not, I feel like I’m not being myself— just playing a charade of feminism.

I give up.

I’m finally letting these strong walls, that I have built around my heart over the years, tumble down.

Not because I have failed, but because I have learned.

I have grown.

Can I do anything, be anyone that I need to in any given moment? Absolutely— but does that mean I am meant to? No— I cannot do it all. At this point I am done even trying.

I can’t pretend that I have this ability, this strength to do it all, and not just that, but with a smile on my face. I can’t pretend I don’t need anyone to help me.

Life isn’t about “faking it until we make it”, it’s about letting ourselves be real, open and raw.

It’s about feeling rather than just always thinking, and it’s about simply giving in to the fiery passions within us.

It seems that I’ve just grown exhausted from pretending that I am this strong.

And that’s okay.

I see the woman that I am.

And fuck; I love her.

She is glowing and she is thriving.

Don’t we all need someone who’s just a little bit stronger than we are? Someone who can kiss it where it hurts and hug us like nothing else matters.

Someone who can remind us that we don’t really need to be that strong—all the time.

Because goddammit— I’m tired. But I will be okay.

f e b r u a r y

“You’ll have your good days my friend,
and you’ll have your bad ones. But I
hope you’ll not judge your worth by
the amount progress you make. And
I hope, even on your bad days you’ll
treat yourself the gentlest way, the
way you do on your good ones.
~Dhiman

beating yourself up is easy. hating yourself is easy. giving up is easy. your grass might be a little dull right now but i promise you, it’s not any better on the other side. water your damn grass! the sun will shine again, honey.

i have more bad days than most and it has taken me several years to actually breathe. to love who i am, from the inside and out. i’ve finally accepted myself — i love my flaws and imperfections!

when will you finally let go? relax your shoulders. unclench your fists.

inhale…..

exhale…..

write down just three things that you love about yourself. it can be something physical, mental, anything.

now write down three things you’d like to improve. again, it can be anything.

with just those six things, write yourself a daily mantra. try using words like “i am”, “i will”, instead of “i want”. install it into your mind. write it on your bathroom mirror. tape it to your sun visor. hell, get it tattooed on your arm. i don’t care but MANIFEST it.

now make it your number one priority to believe in yourself. make it a priority to focus on who you are. what you want to accomplish. because no one matters more than yourself. learn to put yourself first.

that’s the secret to happiness and once you fully learn that… oh, my love. you will be dangerous. unstoppable.

i am savannah and i am powerful, i am kind and i am fearless. i will be successful, i will live without any regrets and i will love freely.

what’s yours?

j a n u a r y

“Put God first and you will never be last.”
~Unknown

God is abundant, astonishing & alluring.

God is beautiful, brilliant & bountiful.

God is charming, courageous & compassionate.

God is dazzling, delightful & desirable.

God is empathetic, empowering & extraordinary.

God is fantastic, flawless & flourishing.

God is great, generous & glorious.

God is holy, honest & honorable.

God is intimate, innovative & indescribable.

God is joyous, jolly & jubilant.

God is kind, knowledgeable & keen.

God is loving, loyal & leading.

God is miraculous, marvelous & merciful.

God is noble, nurturing & nourishing.

God is optimistic, obedient & outstanding.

God is perfect, passionate & powerful.

God is quick, qualitative, & quintessential.

God is radiant, righteous & remarkable.

God is strong, sincere & sympathetic.

God is tranquil, triumphing & timeless.

God is uplifting, unconditional & unbelievable.

God is victorious, valuable & virtuous.

God is wonderful, worthy & wise.

God is xenodochial, xenagogue & xenial.

God is zestful, zenith & zealous.

God is youthful, yearning & yielding.

God is e v e r y t h i n g.

d e c e m b e r

twenty-six.

twenty-six days until i am twenty-six years old.

my earliest memory i have is of when i was maybe three. my brother, bryce, had just passed on. my mother was really depressed and distant for a while. it was actually a very lonely time.

i stayed in louisiana a lot growing up, especially during this time.

my first best friend was my cousin, trey. he’s a couple of years older than i am.

he taught me how to build teepees in the woods, catch giant bullfrogs in the bayou, fish with nothing but some string and crickets. we would spend all day digging around in the swampy marsh. it was the greatest time of my life.

i felt the love of a brother that i had been longing for, for so long, after losing my brother.

fast forward to 2016.

i had just turned twenty-one and i was struggling with finding happiness outside of cocaine and empty vodka bottles. i just wanted to find that love that i had been chasing since i was just a child in louisiana.

that home-y feel.

don’t get me wrong— i have loving parents who have never been apart and a young brother, grant, who god gifted us a few short years after my other brother had passed. he is my best friend.

but still, i felt alone.

then one night, at our towns annual festival, a tall, happy-go-lucky girl bounced into my life. she loved me despite my self-sabotaging and unkind self.

her name was, taylor.

i said ‘was’ because in 2018, taylor had gone to be with the lord.

i know what you’re thinking. “this girl loses everyone”.

but let me tell you about, tay.

she was this tall, kinky haired, sixteen year old girl (who lied to me about her age at first). she had the voice of an angel. she wanted to fit in so badly and i never understood why. she was perfect.

i instantly had a huge taking to her. she is what i was missing for so long. i knew her love for me was genuine.

we were inseparable.

we were best friends. no. sisters.

she had this bright and bubbly persona that could light up an entire stadium.

i was a dark and gloomy person until i had met her. she was everything light and good in this world.

a fucking ray of sunlight. lightning bugs fluttering across a dewy, moonlit field. caterpillars forming into beautiful, bold butterflies. a rainbow on a sunny, misty day. that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you fall in love. she was all of these things and more.

in twenty-six days, on december twenty-eighth, she would be turning twenty-two.

and i will be twenty-six.

we were more than just friends. we shared our special day together every year. we were soulmates. we are soulmates.

my birthday is a hard day for me now that she is gone but i will continue to celebrate not only mine, but her day as well.

celebrate her existence.

celebrate her mark that she had left on this world.

god knew heaven needed her presence more than the earth did. her work here was done.

she found me. she changed me.

happy early birthday you beautiful angel. thank you for being sunshine. thank you for lighting up my dark world.

i will forever honor you and i will love you until the world stops turning.

n o v e m b e r

“Be healthy and take care of yourself, but be happy with the beautiful things that make you, you.”
— Beyoncé

This is my favorite month. My f a v o r i t e season.

Every morning is a fresh new start. A new beginning. And it has me thinking— maybe right now I don’t actually need love.

Maybe I still need to expand my horizons and travel across different oceans.

Maybe I need to meet more people who will inspire me to be nothing less than amazing.

Maybe I need to get hopelessly lost within myself without having another human being distorting my perfect picture.

Maybe I still need to learn more about what kind of love I want.

Do I want a traditional kind of love? The one that’s safe and steady or do I need an adventure? A wild kind of love. A love that can’t be tamed.

Maybe I still need to know if I’m trying to find love or if I’m just trying to understand my heart. Maybe I need more time to figure out what my heart really needs. Maybe I just need to cleanse my heart from all the damage that I’ve caused and all the cracks I stabbed in it. Maybe I need to love my heart the way no one knew how.

Maybe I need to be for myself everything I’ve been asking people to be for me. Maybe I need to be my person for now. Hold my own hand. Hug myself to sleep. Learn to be my biggest fan.

Maybe I just need myself right now because anyone who comes on my ship might drown. Maybe I just need to sail away by myself because no one knows how to guide me. No one knows where I belong.

Maybe God keeps leaving me alone for a reason. Maybe he doesn’t want another person to distract me from myself. Maybe he keeps reminding me that I’ll never find what I’m looking for if I can’t find myself.

See, I believe there are two kinds of people in this world; the ones who grew up craving stability, safety and security and they are the ones who marry young. The ones who never have problems finding one partner after the other. And then there are the ones who grew up craving magic, adventure, euphoria and they are the ones who always struggle; the ones who don’t know what kind of lover they want, the ones who always want love but don’t know what to do with it once they find it.

Maybe I’m meant to experience more heartbreaks than love because I’m my own security. I’m my own safety. I’m the only one who knows how to calm the chaos in my mind and heal the wounds in my heart.

Maybe I’m just meant to kiss my own scars because I’m the only one who knows how deep they are. I’m the only one who knows how much they hurt.

Maybe all I need right now is me because I need to work on the relationship with myself. To fix the years I tormented myself. To mend the broken pieces. To reshape myself. To redeem myself.

Maybe for now, I’m the one for me because I need to learn how to live with that — all of it. I know I can live with myself forever, I just need to figure out how to make the most beautiful and most meaningful relationship of my life.

I need to be so madly, deeply in love with myself.

o c t o b e r

“When you handle yourself, use your head; when you handle others, use your heart.”
—Donna Reed

I’m a lot.

I am.

I know I am.

I’ve always known I am.

I apologize all the time.

I talk way too much.

I take up too much space.

I’m a lot.

I’m passionate.

I don’t tiptoe. I jump in without looking back.

I used to think being a lot was my worst quality. I thought it was the reason I was misunderstood and lonely. I thought it was my greatest setback.

And so I quieted myself up. I put myself, my true self, into a small box.

I played small.

I bottled my excitement.

I convinced myself to become less.

BUT I WAS NOT MADE TO BE LESS.

I am too much, but it’s not my kryptonite. It’s what makes me dynamite.

I give hard. I forgive hard. I work hard. I laugh hard. I cry hard. I mess up hard, but then I get back up and I keep on moving forward.

I dream hard. I believe hard.

I live fierce. And I love free.

There is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing wrong with meeting someone and instantly clicking with them. There is nothing wrong with telling people how much you love them. There is nothing wrong with laughing and crying and feeling other people’s pain.

If you’re an “a lot” person like I am. If you bounce around from place to place. If it takes a while for you to settle down, and you lie in bed at night wondering what in the world is wrong with you, and oh-my-gosh why did you say “you too” when the waiter told you to enjoy your meal. That’s such an odd thing to say.

It’s okay.

You’re okay.

It’s going to be okay.

Stop beating yourself up. Stop with the constant worrying that people won’t like you and start liking yourself.

Cause, yeah, you’re a lot.

You’re a lot of love.

You’re a lot of joy.

You’re a lot of beautiful.

You’re a lot of real.

You’re a lot of passionate.

You’re a lot of empathetic.

You’re a lot of what makes a good friend.

And you’re also a lot of what this world needs. Don’t hide, sister. Don’t shy away. Don’t back down. Don’t try to be someone else. Don’t shrug off your gifts.

Don’t change. Ever.

But do breathe.

I’m a lot.

I know I am.

And that’s okay.