d e c e m b e r

twenty-six.

twenty-six days until i am twenty-six years old.

my earliest memory i have is of when i was maybe three. my brother, bryce, had just passed on. my mother was really depressed and distant for a while. it was actually a very lonely time.

i stayed in louisiana a lot growing up, especially during this time.

my first best friend was my cousin, trey. he’s a couple of years older than i am.

he taught me how to build teepees in the woods, catch giant bullfrogs in the bayou, fish with nothing but some string and crickets. we would spend all day digging around in the swampy marsh. it was the greatest time of my life.

i felt the love of a brother that i had been longing for, for so long, after losing my brother.

fast forward to 2016.

i had just turned twenty-one and i was struggling with finding happiness outside of cocaine and empty vodka bottles. i just wanted to find that love that i had been chasing since i was just a child in louisiana.

that home-y feel.

don’t get me wrong— i have loving parents who have never been apart and a young brother, grant, who god gifted us a few short years after my other brother had passed. he is my best friend.

but still, i felt alone.

then one night, at our towns annual festival, a tall, happy-go-lucky girl bounced into my life. she loved me despite my self-sabotaging and unkind self.

her name was, taylor.

i said ‘was’ because in 2018, taylor had gone to be with the lord.

i know what you’re thinking. “this girl loses everyone”.

but let me tell you about, tay.

she was this tall, kinky haired, sixteen year old girl (who lied to me about her age at first). she had the voice of an angel. she wanted to fit in so badly and i never understood why. she was perfect.

i instantly had a huge taking to her. she is what i was missing for so long. i knew her love for me was genuine.

we were inseparable.

we were best friends. no. sisters.

she had this bright and bubbly persona that could light up an entire stadium.

i was a dark and gloomy person until i had met her. she was everything light and good in this world.

a fucking ray of sunlight. lightning bugs fluttering across a dewy, moonlit field. caterpillars forming into beautiful, bold butterflies. a rainbow on a sunny, misty day. that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you fall in love. she was all of these things and more.

in twenty-six days, on december twenty-eighth, she would be turning twenty-two.

and i will be twenty-six.

we were more than just friends. we shared our special day together every year. we were soulmates. we are soulmates.

my birthday is a hard day for me now that she is gone but i will continue to celebrate not only mine, but her day as well.

celebrate her existence.

celebrate her mark that she had left on this world.

god knew heaven needed her presence more than the earth did. her work here was done.

she found me. she changed me.

happy early birthday you beautiful angel. thank you for being sunshine. thank you for lighting up my dark world.

i will forever honor you and i will love you until the world stops turning.