m a r c h

“the most dangerous
woman of all
is the one who refuses
to rely on your sword
to save her
because she carries
her own”

~ r.h. sin

I’m exhausted.

I’m exhausted from being strong all the time, from acting like I have it all together, and from being everything for everyone.

I never necessarily set out to be this kind of person, yet it seems through the bitter choices and the sweet idealizations of not wanting to let anyone down, I found myself lost, broken, tired and wondering if someday someone would be there for me in all the ways that I have been there for them.

Perhaps people see me as self-sufficient and “together” — but inside I would never label myself with those characteristics because while they see me as steady — inside I am shaking.

Every morning, despite my exhaustion, I still get up and I try. I try to be that woman who everyone imagines me to be.

Even when my eyes become weary from tears of feeling things too deeply, I inhale and tell myself that it will all be okay. 

I’m steadily learning, even through the trials and tribulations, we women — are goddesses. We are queens. We do so much for others and we are constantly fighting battles. We never ask for help, for guidance, for leadership, for someone to just fall against at the end of the day. 

We are warriors.

But we are tired.

The lesson we all can take from this is that there is noshame in needing someone. There is no fault in admitting that you need help. There is nothing wrongwith wanting to rely on someone. You are not weak by thinking that two strong hearts are better than one.

I’m so tired.

I want a strong arm around my shoulders, someone who can hold me down, no matter the storm I endured that day.

I’m done with pretending. 

I’m done holding myself up.

I’m done letting my pride shade me from potential happiness.

I’m certainly done with being strong when the reality is, more often than not, I feel like I’m not being myself— just playing a charade of feminism.

I give up.

I’m finally letting these strong walls, that I have built around my heart over the years, tumble down.

Not because I have failed, but because I have learned. 

I have grown. 

Can I do anything, be anyone that I need to in any given moment? Absolutely— but does that mean I am meant to? No— I cannot do it all. At this point I am done even trying.

I can’t pretend that I have this ability, this strength to do it all, and not just that, but with a smile on my face. I can’t pretend I don’t need anyone to help me.

Life isn’t about “faking it until we make it”, it’s about letting ourselves be real, open and raw. 

It’s about feeling rather than just always thinking, and it’s about simply giving in to the fiery passions within us.

It seems that I’ve just grown exhausted from pretending that I am this strong.

And that’s okay.

I see the woman that I am. 

And fuck; I love her. 

She is glowing and she is thriving. 

Don’t we all need someone who’s just a little bit stronger than we are? Someone who can kiss it where it hurts and hug us like nothing else matters.

Someone who can remind us that we don’t really need to be that strong—all the time.

Because goddammit— I’m tired. But I will be okay.